


Together We Drown

by Breakfast_with_a_side_of_angst



Series: We are Malachite. [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abusive Jasper/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Abusive Relationships, Character Study, Drabble, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lapis Lazuli Needs a Hug (Steven Universe), They both need therapy, so does jasper
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:15:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29828271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Breakfast_with_a_side_of_angst/pseuds/Breakfast_with_a_side_of_angst
Summary: They trap themselves beneath the waves, sometimes breaking free of the chains only for them to reappear.Lapis,Jasper,Lapis,Jasper,Lapis.God, how they wish for freedom, yet they hold themselves down.It is a constant cycle.Screaming,Fighting,Screaming,Fighting,ScreamingMalachite is so tired.They finally stop fighting - at least physically - for control.The screaming doesn’t stop. (They aren’t entirely sure if it’s Lapis or Jasper anymore.)
Relationships: Jasper & Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Jasper/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe)
Series: We are Malachite. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2206635
Kudos: 13





	Together We Drown

The first thing Malachite remembers feeling is rage. It is consuming and forever burning. 

They are angry. They are furious. They are strong. They know this, just as they know that they are Malachite - a deadly combination of Lapis and Jasper. 

(But deadly for whom?)

The rage has little direction. Some of it is toward the Crystal Gems, (Funny, both sides of them share that hatred) but most of it is directed at themselves. 

They are hate. They hate those who have imprisoned them time and again and so by extension they hate themselves. Both halves of them share their self-hatred just as they share their anger and shockingly, their pain. Malachite is all of this - all their shared flaws and sufferings. 

Malachite is their pain and hatred and rage. Their existence together is a pitiful one for a creature made of such strength, such rage. Malachite is destructive, and with no other target, it is turned inwards. 

But isn’t it always, in the end? 

The next thing that really registered in Malachites fractured mind was the darkness. Their was the fight that was existence, and being pulled under the waves, but through all of that the overwhelming sensation had been anger. They miss the burn of the anger as the dark and cold take root. 

They fight towards the light away from the petrifying darkness (not that they are afraid of the dark - that would be ridiculous) only to hold themselves against the ocean floor with every bit of their being, despite the desperate need for light, for freedom, for the pain to end. 

Existence hurts, Malachite is learning. It aches and burns as they battle for control. Their entwinement, Malachites existence, splits them apart a little more for each moment they are together.  
Malachite only needed to be made whole to be broken. Their existence was one destined to be a prison, a curse, an embodiment of eternal suffering.  
Malachite was made to only half exist despite being made of two wholes. 

They trap themselves beneath the waves, sometimes breaking free of the chains only for them to reappear. 

Lapis,  
Jasper,  
Lapis,  
Jasper, 

Lapis. 

God, how they wish for freedom, and yet they hold themselves down. 

It is a constant cycle.  
Screaming,  
Fighting,  
Screaming,  
Fighting, 

Screaming 

Malachite is so tired.  
They finally stop fighting - at least physically - for control. 

The screaming doesn’t stop. (They aren’t entirely sure if it’s Lapis or Jasper anymore.)

After the first bit of her existence (for their is only existence, not life, for Malachite), she just lays there letting the darkness consume her. They are still fighting within her but their fight is no longer external and it would take to much effort to move.

Gems do not tire but damn they wish they could rest. For though on the outside the struggle has ended, the war inside of them is so exhausting. 

The sentiment is shared, but neither will let the other rest. (It terrifies them - both parts of them - how similar they are too each other.)

They are the worst in each other. Malachite is their pain. Malachite is their suffering. Malachite is born of their hatred and exists as their prison. The constant struggle between them was all that existed. 

Malachite is their exhaustion. 

She is a prisoner within herself. She is both the captor and the captured. 

They contemplate shattering their gems but it would take to much effort. The internal battle takes all their strength and neither of them would commit such a heresy against their creators anyways. They vaguely remember arguing that their existence was a treason against the diamonds anyway, but they are to tired to argue the point, let alone try anything. 

Existing as Malachite is both drowning in sorrow and burning with rage, with those emotions coming from both halves of her splintered self. 

They hate being Malachite, but they do not hate each other - not really - not the way they should. There is mutual disdain and eventually... mutual respect. There certainly isn’t love but there isn’t hate either. It, like most things in her short (yet far too long) existence, is complicated. 

Gems don’t need air but the pressure of the ocean is suffocating. That is what they are, what Malachite is, suffocating. They are eternally asphyxiated, yet a release either in the form of death or air (they do not care which at this point) is not possible. There is only the constant struggle and the darkness and rage and the not-hate they feel for each other. 

They don’t need to breath, and yet they drown.


End file.
